M. Aline

what do you do when you feel like there are weights pressed against your shoulders, pinning you down, and you cant move? thats a situation i have experienced many times during the 13 years i’ve been living that i have yet to discover.

i don’t usually open up to strangers, but this is a special occasion. i’m not one whom likes talking about my feelings & emotions. i’m very well reserved and kept to myself. i don’t like sharing my personal thoughts and opinions with other people, because my words are so easily taken out of context and detatched from its true meaning.

these are the four topics i’ll be expressing myself through today; love: judgement: confidence. need i remind you, once again, i’m not one to express my thoughts and feelings, i’m writing this because i’m wanting y’all to hear where i’m coming from, to listen and to be there, but not to make judgements on my behalf. i would very much appreciate it.

starting out with love;

love is too good to be true. i’ll probably keep saying that until i fully experience that four-lettered word. people make love out to be this beautiful and exciting feeling, that feeling that just engulfs you into a warm embrace and makes you feel sick to your stomach, but love is more than just a kiss, a box of chocolates, and a bouquet of your favorite flowers. love can also be a roller-coaster ride of emotions. when you’re in love, your emotions get thrown all over the place and the stressful thing is being able to glue those emotions back into place. not that i would know what love is or felt like. my first “break-up” was in 2nd grade and the boy only “broke up” with me because i wouldn’t kiss him. i’ve never truly experienced love. after all, i am only 13. 13 year olds can’t experience love. wait, i take that back. there are different types of love.

the first type of love is agape: the love of humanity, loving nature, and loving the people of the wild. the second type of love is philautia: self-love and respect. loving oneself and being content with oneself. the third type of love is pragma: love that endures. being there for one another. the fourth type of love is storge: family love. relations or very close friends. the fifth type of love is ludus: flirty, playful affection. the sixth type of love is philia: shared experience with friends, a team, a group, even co workers. and finally, we’ve come to the final type of love that tops everything. the seventh type of love is eros: romatically and/or intimately involved.

i’ve experienced all but one. i haven’t experienced that romantic love yet. i’m sure i will sometime in my life, and it doesn’t have to be now, because i’m not ready for that type of love now.

 i’m scared of falling in love someday. i’m scared of getting my heart stomped on and shattered against my chest. i’m scared of alot of things, but i’ve also conquered alot of things. don’t let emotions take you down. your emotions will shake you, break you, and shape you. things are going to happen, whether we’d like them to or not. but what do we do? we just deal with it.

judgement. not hard to figure out the definition of that word. we use it here and there, everywhere. this world is filled with judgement. if you weren’t born with it, you grew up into it. i grew up where the definition of humanity never seemed to matter anymore. i grew up with the definition of perfection. kindergarten, i was judged just because of how happy i was. my teacher despised me because i used to sing all the time in class. i was happy, however, she wasn’t. her life wasn’t perfect so she wasn’t happy. my life wasn’t perfect and it still isn’t, but i could still find things that made me happy. as you grow older, judgement gets worse. i had great friends in elementary school, but once everybody got into middle school, things change. things change, people change, and you start to lose your old friends. it’s unfortunate that some of the kids i use to go to kindergarten with don’t even want to look at me anymore, because i’m not like them. i’m glad i have the ability to see people for who they actually are, rather then to just read the title of their book and automatically assume without actually knowing them. it does still hurt sometimes to know that people do look at me and automatically assume something that i’m not without even getting to know me, but you gotta brush those people off and just shake it off. you are you and if people can’t see you for who you truly are, then they must be blind. probably need to make an eye doctor’s appointment.

confidence. something that we all happen to lack from time to time. confidence was something i didn’t have a year ago. it was hard for me to be confident when things were just crashing down, one after another, trying to knock me off the balls of my feet. i wasn’t confident with my body or confident whatsoever with the way i was shaped or formed as a human being. i was in that stage of puberty where my voice was changing, i was starting to get pimples all over my face, and i was just overall embarrassed with my appearance. i still had my baby face, and you know as well as i do how embarrassing it is when your grandma is visiting and tells you, you basically still look the same as you did last time she saw you.

i’ve learned that confidence is the key to success and the only way you’re ever going to acheive your goals is being confident in who you are and your appearance. so i changed the way i viewed life and carried myself on through it.

that’s the secret of life. the way you carry yourself and look upon others can affect the way you feel and the situations you are put in. your decisions are based off of mental stability, the atmosphere of your thoughts, and God giving you a fish and telling you, you can either eat this and live a prosperous life or don’t, and you end up dying of starvation. in reality, it’s like God is handing you challenges in life and telling you, you can either go through it and come out stronger or don’t and stay the coward that you are.

the decisions you make and the way you carry yourself, reflects your future and your mental and physical stability. so do, go THROUGH the obstacle course. don’t, go TO the obstacle course and end up getting run in the dirt just because you were stupid enough to stand in the middle of the course and let your body give up. you can do it. i believe in you. God believes in you. and so do the planets, stars, the moon, the sun, and this tiny little sphere of blue and green of which we call Earth.

and that tiny little sphere of blue and green of which we call Earth, will be destroyed one day. not by swallowing itself whole, but by a raging fire which will burn every single thing we have ever owned. but it will be restored and all brand new. and if you’re lucky enough, one day, you may be living your forever and you’ll be living in your old house, only renovated and the best of the best. but only if you have the courage to go THROUGH the obstacle course of life, not TO, and if you’ve completed the test of God.