M. Aline

there’s been a lot on my heart recently that i just can’t seem to shake, something that i haven’t even been able to tell anyone just because it’s so much easier for me to pull out my computer or a notebook and write how i’m feeling rather than open my mouth and risk breaking down and falling apart in front of someone. so here it is. anyone who is currently reading this, all i ask is that you kick all the judgement to the side and just step in my shoes for a few minutes. i’m not asking for any sympathy, just a listening ear and some words of wisdom if possible.

here’s the truth: i’m done with telling people “i’m okay” or “i’m fine” all the time. i’m done LYING to people about how i actually feel. when people ask how you’re doing, they want you to say that you’re doing good or you’re doing okay so they don’t have to listen to you talk about your problems. but from this point on, i don’t care what people want to hear. i’m going to tell them what i want them to hear. if i’m having a bad day, i’m no longer going to say that “i’m good” or “i’m okay” or “my day’s been good” if it was the complete opposite, even if that’s what they want to hear. truth is, not everybody can handle the truth, but i’m gonna give you the truth, whether or not you can handle it.

i’m not okay. i had to put my 14 year old dog down 3 months ago, only a few days before my birthday and i’m not okay, but i put a smile on my face and act like nothing happened and that i’m okay. when i went back home to Indiana last month, i had to visit my grandpa’s grave with my grandma. visiting with my grandma and hearing her talk about my grandpa and him not actually being there broke me. the look on her face when we visited his grave, broke me. all the hurt and pain in her eyes with the words she spoke, broke me. even i wasn’t ready to visit his grave. that was the one thing i was dreading the entire trip. ever since he passed in December, that’s all i’ve thought about. and i’m still not over his death. i still can’t believe that he’s gone. every time i hear about him, it breaks me. i’m not okay, but i still put a smile on my face and act like i’m okay.

i don’t really have friends any more. stopped talking to my friends because i’ve got too much on my plate right now and i can’t open up and tell them how i feel nor do i feel like talking to anyone about how i feel. well, i do but i don’t at the same time. it’s complicated. ya feel me?

if you don’t show me you’re willing to listen or make me feel comfortable enough to open up, then i won’t ever tell you how i feel. i won’t come to you about anything. it will always be “i’m okay” or “i’m fine”. if you want me to tell you the truth, if you want me to tell you how i feel, then show me you’re willing to listen and show me that i can trust you enough to be myself and to open up to you.

and let’s be honest, it’s kind of hard to make friends when you’re the most insecure person on planet earth and constantly feel like people are judging you. it’s hard not to care what people think, and i know i say all the time not to listen to other people’s opinions and to not care what people think, but i’m so contradicting it’s not even funny. i’m constantly worried about what people think of me. whether or not they like me, whether or not they actually want to hang out with me, etc., so i am in no position to tell anyone not to care about what other people think when i do the exact opposite.

if you ever think or have ever thought for one second i have my life together, then you are way off your rocker. 99% of the people you think have their lives together, don’t actually have their lives together at all. for example, i thought i wanted to be a model. put hundreds and thousands of dollars towards getting into that industry, got signed to an agency, and suffered from severe anxiety for a good year before i realized i didn’t want to be a model anymore nor could i afford to get into that industry and put my health at even more of a risk. then i thought i wanted to be a writer. my grandpa passed away and i fell down a pretty dark path. then we had to put my dog down and i fell even deeper. became so self-conscious not just about my looks and how i walk, talk, act, and think, but how i write. i began to believe i could never publish a book because i wasn’t worthy enough nor did i have the skills of a best seller. writing just wasn’t for me anymore. then i wanted to be a wedding planner, and now i’m not sure that i would even be good at THAT anymore. i don’t even know what i want to do anymore!

finally, i’m tired of people asking me if i’m going to college or what i’m gonna do now that i’m out of high school. i graduated at 15 for a reason. and that reason was so that I could have a few years to myself to figure out things. to figure out whether or not i even want to go to college, or whatever it is that i actually want to do. most kids when they graduate high school at 18 (or whatever age it is that they graduate), they head straight for college. i graduated early so that i have those extra 3 years to figure out whether or not i actually want to go. but regardless of whether or not i go, it doesn’t make me any less intelligent. and i shouldn’t be made to feel less than if i do decide not to go.

to any of you who are currently indecisive on whether or not you want to go to college, just remember that your level of intelligence is not determined by your education, but by the way you handle what life throws at you. don’t let anybody ever make you feel any less intelligent just because you’ve decided that college life just isn’t for you.

anyways, my whole point of this was to show you that everybody struggles with something whether you admit to it or not. and no matter how put together someone may look on the outside, they could be a complete mess on the inside. all judgement put aside, i just wanted to be honest and get that off my chest. i’m not okay and i’m not gonna lie about it anymore. i’m not gonna apologize for being honest about how i feel and what i’m going through. i’m posting this in hopes of being a light to someone who might feel like they’re stuck in a pit of darkness with no way out, meanwhile lifting the weight off my chest.

thank you for taking the time out to read this, and i hope you know that you’re never alone no matter the situation. and if you can’t talk it out with someone, a little writing never hurt nobody.