M. Aline

lately, i’ve been feeling isolated. i’ve felt isolated before, it’s not a foreign feeling at all, however, this time it feels different. i feel more isolated than usual. this is the most isolated i’ve ever felt. most of the time when i’m feeling like this, i can easily pull out my journal or my computer and write down anything and everything i may be feeling in that current situation, however, i can barely find myself to do that anymore. i can’t tell you the last time i’ve pulled out my journal and written until my heart was content and my spirit felt free. this is the first time i’ve pulled out my computer in probably 6 months and even now, i’m finding much trouble doing so. it’s not as easy to express my feelings as it once was before, and for once, i’m not sure as to why that may be. i mean, i’ve always had a hard time expressing my feelings by mouth so that’s nothing foreign to me, but expressing my feelings through signed ink? that’s a whole nother story. for the longest time, my world has revolved around expressing myself through my writing. it wouldn’t matter whether i was happy, sad, anxious, excited, mad, scared, worried, etc., i’ve always expressed myself through my writing regardless of the situation. i rarely talk about my feelings in general just because of the frustration and the misunderstanding that tends to sprout every time i attempt to open my mouth. people just don’t understand me. they never have. it’s mentally and emotionally frustrating and draining. i mean, yes, part of it has to do with the fact that i feel as if i’m misunderstood, but the other part of it is just the whole trusting process. i don’t trust very many people. in fact, there are very few people i trust and if i trust you, just know that you’re quite a rare gem, my friend. everybody has their own story that has gotten them to where they are now. it’s a journey of both, good and bad, and shapes us into the people we’ve become. while some journeys are more good than bad, for some, it can be quite the opposite. i’d say my journey so far has been quite a bit of both. i won’t go too much into detail, but we all go through certain experiences in our lifes that can either make us or break us. we can either learn from the experience and grow from it, or we can let it push us and shove us into a deep dark hole. i’ve always been pretty bad at letting go and moving forward so unfortunately, i let these experiences drag me into this dark hole. throughout this process, i’ve ended up losing alot of things that were once important to me.

#1, trust. i lost alot of trust towards loved ones and even ended up pushing some people away because of it. this is where i began to build my walls up and began bottling up my feelings to the point where i would rarely express them. to this day, this is why i have the hardest time talking to people let alone attempting to make friends that i deem worthy enough to trust.

#2, empathy. this may make me sound like a horrible person, but i have the hardest time feeling empathetic towards other people. i can feel compassion, but i can’t feel empathy. i deeply despise emotional situations. the only thing i HATE with a passion more than anything else in the entire world is crying. i hate when i cry, i hate when other people cry. it’s annoying and frustrating and just too intimate for my liking. i feel awkward and uncomfortable in emotional situations and want nothing more than to just lock myself away in my room and stay in there forever. i know i may seem like i’m being a little overdramatic, but that’s just the way i feel, unfortunately. i wish i didn’t feel this way. i wish i felt differently, but i just don’t. i once felt differently, i just hope one day to feel that way again.

and lastly, #3, confidence. i’m not even going to lie here. anyone who knows me, knows that i’m pretty introverted and reserved. i’m not the type who will step out of her way to go make friends or meet new people. i literally have to be forced to meet people. what does that have to do with being confident? actually, alot more than you think. to be honest, i’ve always been pretty quiet. i wouldn’t say that i’m shy, but i also wouldn’t say that i’m bubbly either. as i’ve grown into my teenage years, i’ve found myself not caring as much as to whether or not i have any friends. in fact, i really don’t care at all. i made my friends when i was young, most of them didn’t work out and the other half of them ended terribly which brings me to the point where i really just don’t care whether or not i have any. i’d say most of the reason for this is because of my trust issues while the other half just springs off of insecurities and the slightest possibilities of betrayal and unmet expectations. i’m a very insecure person, as much as i may not look like it. i think it all stemmed in 3rd grade and from that point on, my insecurities just escalated. i mean, sure, there’s been times i’ve felt confident, but i can’t say it’s a casual occurence. it’s quite unusual actually, quite rare. it’s a sad case, really. however, i can say that this is something that i have been working on and i think i’m slowly getting there, it’s just gonna take time as will everything else.

all in all, it’s just been tough. tougher than usual lately. however, i’m trusting in God and just hoping for the better. all i want is to be happy again. that’s all. and i will be eventually, it’s just gonna take some time and alot of working on myself to get there.

i know i don’t usually post this kind of stuff, but i just wanted to be honest with you guys and instead of going off on a specific topic, i felt as if i’d be better off sharing my current emotional state in hopes of not only releasing the weight off my chest, but hopefully helping one of you out too. i’m not sure if i’ll end up actually posting this or not considering it’s kinda messy, last minute, and all over the place, but if i do, i hope it helps you to know that you’re not the only one struggling. i’m struggling too. but you will make it out of that dark hole sooner or later, i promise you. it will get better.