M. Aline

I know I’ve spoke—or written—about this before, but grief is such a funny thing. And not funny in a laughing sense, but in a way that makes you think.

While many believe that grief gets better over time, I’ve come to realize that it never truly goes away. The same grief you feel on the day you lose someone can be the same grief you feel 2 years later on an entirely different day. And it’s usually the small things that hit you like a freight train. Like the smell of a home-cooked dinner that your grandma used to make every Friday night or the tune your grandpa used to whistle as he’d walk around the house. Even when you know they’re in a better place, you still grieve. Over the memories you shared and the memories you wish you made.

I’ve been thinking about my grandma that just recently passed last month over the past couple days. The things she said to me in her last hours…the last time I hugged her and said I loved her…the last birthday card I have with her stamped signature…I can’t help but wonder what she’d be thinking if she saw me now. Would she be proud? Would she be scolding me for not putting myself out there more? I also think about how I have yet to grieve. It hasn’t felt right to grieve. How are you supposed to grieve someone who is at peace? It seems wrong. But yet, I feel that wave crashing over me.

The same wave that falls every here and there. Sometimes random days hit harder than an anniversary. The days that you think you’re doing fine but you haven’t thought about that person in a while…and then you feel bad. You feel like you’re slowly neglecting them. As if they’re drifting away. But they’re not. We will always have those memories to hold onto. And we can’t continue to explore the “what ifs…” We will drive ourselves literally insane! I know because I have done exactly that even up to this moment as I am writing.

Grief has captured me once again. Losing two people in two years has taken a tremendous toll. Emotions don’t always rise the way you expect them too. I kept myself so busy that I hadn’t taken a moment to realize that despite feeling emotional, I was emotionless. I wanted to cry but my eyes dried up. I wanted to fall to the floor but my legs held me up. My whole point to this is how grief never truly goes away. And it took me reading Lisa Marie Presley’s article to realize that. You may think that with time it will change, but it will always come in waves. And after a month, a few months, a year, maybe a few years…many of your friends and family will slowly stop reaching out. They won’t ask you if you’re coping okay or if you need to talk about it because they heard about it once or twice and that was enough. But it’s not. We all grieve, but some of us grieve differently. Privately. Grief comes in waves and some days you may feel as if you’re on top of the world or in your safe haven, but those waves will come crashing once again. It’s times like those that we need to reach out and hold onto the Lord. Keep in mind that we should not only grow our relationship with Him in the midst of our struggles but also in the midst of our accomplishments. It’s a daily walk, not a monthly or yearly walk.