M. Aline

I published a post back in 2015 called “The Secret of Life” and thought it would be a good idea to circle back around to this now seven years later. I realized as I was scrolling through many of my older posts, including this one, the negativity I projected and how much I’ve grown since. That’s why I’ve chosen to revisit a few topics today with a changed perspective.

Starting out with love.

I once said: “love is too good to be true…” that was, until I experienced it myself. Much of my unbelief came from a place of doubt that I would ever find it. And while that doubt has slightly stuck around, I’ll admit that I find myself more hopeful now than I was. After going through a few heartaches throughout the years, even just attempting to grow friendships and not necessarily stepping into relationships, I’ve learned quite a bit and opened my heart to finding the man that God has for me.

I’ve gone through many experiences. Most of them were heartbreaking, but out of all of them, there were two that turned into something beautiful for me to look back on. My first relationship occurred only a year in a half after this post was published. I met this guy, we’ll call him Clay, and he was a walking red flag. I didn’t notice because I was just soaking up the fact that a guy was interested in me. And he was older. You know how that goes. When you’re a 14 year old girl and a 17 year old guy finds you intriguing, you find yourself infatuated with the idea. It was a slow process, falling for him. It didn’t take but a month for him to say he loved me but it took me 6-7 months before I told him. Interesting how despite my trust issues, I still found myself falling for the type of guy that creates those issues.

We stayed together for a year. After a terrible experience at prom that led to me sliding down the bathroom wall and full-on hyperventilating, everything began to slowly unravel. He lied about what happened that night—a situation he was involved in that got us kicked out of prom only 30 minutes of us being there—and it wasn’t shortly after that, I found out the truth. This led to a drifting apart that eventually resulted in a silent end and a swift goodbye. Now, if I had picked up on all of the red flags—even my own family had been pointing out to me—earlier, I wouldn’t have stayed with him. He had anger issues. He was always so quick to anger and looking back now, I remember being afraid of him at times. Although he never laid a hand on me, that was a genuine fear I had. Every time he balled his fist and started to lift it, I was afraid that one day I would be the one he socked a blow at. He could be laughing one minute and ready to knock somebody out the next. He got into fights a lot at school and I don’t know why that didn’t stand out to me more at the time. However, if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing because being in a relationship with a guy like that brought me one step closer to knowing the type of man I would want and need. Not one who was dishonest, inconsiderate, and aggressive.

Most of that relationship, despite all of the “I love you” ’s and compliments, I still felt unworthy. I felt unseen, unheard…like what I was going through didn’t matter. And maybe that’s why I clung to a guy like that was because of what I was going through at the time. I just needed somebody, but it took me a while to realize that somebody is Jesus and He’s the only one who will never make me feel unseen and/or unheard. God sees me and He hears me ALWAYS. He’ll never not be there for me. Unlike man. I was let down many times by feeling like Clay was never there for me like I was for him. When I first ended the relationship, I wondered if I had made a mistake. But I didn’t go back. I continued pushing forward and now nearly six years later, I’m glad I moved on. I’ve grown so much from having gone through that along with other experiences. 

Another was a guy we’ll call Ian. Clearly, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time and had to take it a step farther with this experience. I was nearly 18 and Ian was 22 when we met. We had become good friends over the course of a few months and expressed that we had feelings for each other, however, there were obstacles that needed to be overcome before we dated. Long story short, I tried to help him break bad habits that he was unwilling to break and led to more dishonesty. He said he wanted to make things work, but he found every excuse in the book not to put it into action. Without an explanation, he cut me off only to profusely apologize months later. I forgave him, but it took me a while before I moved on. Once again, I gave and gave and gave until I was crawling on the floor. There are pieces of your heart that feel lost forever when people only take from you but don’t give back. Even today, there are still some pieces that are slowly mending. But I’m stronger than I once was because of what I’ve been through.

As a 13-year-old girl, I was afraid of falling in love. As any young girl with a grand imagination would be. And sure, when I did, my heart got stomped on, trampled over, and completely shattered…but I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything in the world. My most recent heartache was—as crazy as it sounds—the most beautiful. I feel as if this one has shaped me more than any other. A few months after Ian had left my life, my friendship with Blake began to bloom. We both found each other intriguing at the start and as our conversations grew deeper, we grew closer. About a year into being friends, I fell in love with him. However, he had a girlfriend. When I expressed this, he said he didn’t feel the same and even apologized for ever leading me on. He wanted to stay friends and I found this hard to do at first, but eventually, things smoothed over and we’re still friends to this day. Does that mean I’ve moved on? No. I still love him, but I want him to be happy. He’s one of the most wonderful men I’ve ever known and the woman that God has for him is going to be blessed beyond measure. I have no ill will towards him. He is the easiest man I’ve ever loved and will always love. In the past four years, he has been there for me every step of the way. He has been the hugest part of my growth as a human being.

Falling in love with a man like Blake made me realize the type of man I want and need. A man who is not only willing to listen, but also, gives me the advice I NEED to hear instead of what I WANT. A man who allows me to let down my guard and be at my most vulnerable without feeling afraid of being judged, but knowing I’m understood in the smallest of ways. And most importantly, a man who prioritizes God above all and leads you to Him instead of leading you to the world. When Christ lives through him, that man is going to be kind, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, all of the traits the Lord exemplifies. That’s the kind of man you want to share the rest of your life with.

Judgment. Over the past few years, I’ve had my ups and downs dealing with this. Whether that’s from other people or the judgment I hold within. I’ve been especially bad this past year at making judgments based off of my first conversation with somebody. And while I may be able to read characters fairly easily, it doesn’t justify me judging and choosing not to get to know that person based off of my least favorite flaw. And then I worry about what people think or say about me and it’s because I see the worst in others. What I’m practicing is acknowledging my own flaws and embracing them so I can provide that same comfort in feeling safe and NOT judged to others. But mostly, keeping in mind Matthew 7:1-5 (ESV) which tells us: “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” And also in John 7:24 where we read, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” At the end of the day, we are not to judge unless it is righteous and disregarding self. 

And lastly, confidence is NOT the key to success. I go through my phases of being confident but for the most part, I think I’m the most insecure now than I’ve ever been. I’m 20, single, and don’t like who I see in the mirror most days. One of the biggest reasons stems from my weight. I haven’t had the healthiest relationship with food for the past eight (almost nine) years and it has not only stunted my growth physically, but also, caused me to not be able to gain a healthy amount of weight. It doesn’t help either that I tried getting into modeling at a young age and ended up working out twice a day sometimes so I would maintain my weight. I’ve had to learn how to have a healthier relationship not only with food, but also, fitness. Working out as hardcore as I did can trigger those emotions when I do hardcore workouts now. That’s why sometimes I have to take six months to a year at times to break away from working out considering I lose weight so easily. Let’s just say, I have yet to weigh over 104. This year, I’ve done ten times better than the year before. I haven’t gotten below 95 pounds, which is progress—although some may argue and even cringe at that number. Long story short, it’s exactly that: a long journey that I’m slowly recovering from. Day by day, I do find little things I appreciate about myself. Whether that’s regarding my appearance or my personality. I’m regaining a healthy confidence that allows me to understand myself better as well as others.

To conclude, the secret to life is not just love, success, confidence, honesty, etc. But God. God is the key to everything. He IS everything. The air we breathe, the flowers we see, the busy bees producing honey…from the sky that’s painted a different shade every day to the trees that shake when the wind starts to blow. Every living and non-living structure that belongs to this earth has been spoken to and created from the mouth of God. We should be more grateful for the breath of life we have been given. Let’s take more time out of our day to appreciate the small things. Even if they are exactly that. Small, miniscule moments.