M. Aline

In a world with so much “woke” media, you’d think mental illness would be spoken on more…but it isn’t. If anything, there is a higher rate of suicide. I read this article and it was stated: “On average, there are 130 suicides per day.” (https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/). While suicide is only the 12th leading cause of death in the US (with cardiovascular disease being at the top), people are still not half as aware as they should be.

If you have ever dealt with depression, (which, assuming you’re human, you have at some point or another) you have thought about what it would be like if you weren’t here. I have too. Today, I’m going to fall full-force into the abyss of my own struggles. I believe it needs to be talked about. I also feel like so many people still look at me (along with many others) and think that because I have this or that going on, I don’t suffer as much mentally. Even people that have known me my whole life or have known me for a fraction of my life think of me as this ray of sunshine that manages to stay uplifted no matter what I go through. But that isn’t true. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. I try my best to be positive but I tend to be a bit more pessimistic than I care to admit. If I have a nightmare, I’m still thinking about it five days later. And while that may seem unbelievable to a lot of people, that’s my reality. But it’s something I’m working on improving.

Let’s get straight to the point. Depression is real and there is a stigma surrounding it in both, the world and the church. That goes with mental illness period. In the world, depression is dehumanizing and made out to be something that nobody has control over whatsoever. When somebody commits suicide, the world applauds that person’s life and believes they’re finally at peace. In the church, we blame it all on the enemy. While I do believe that suicide itself is a demonic spirit that takes over, I believe depression can be caused by many things. Depression can be a spirit, but it can also be caused by a series of events over time or occurring situations that have caused a loss of hope and liveliness in a person.

As someone who has personally gone through a lot, I have struggled with a level of depression that has led me down dark roads that I would never want my worst enemy to walk down. There have been more times than not that I have contemplated suicide but the Lord continues to pull me through every time. There are times I feel as if nobody cares and everyone’s lives would be better off without me. But there are also times where I am afraid of the slightest possibility of something happening to me.

Over the past year, I went through one of the darkest times I had been through in a while. I had gotten fairly ill and I was at a point in my life where I wasn’t sure what I was doing or where I was going period. I remember being in a great deal of pain and grabbing a bottle of Tylenol. It was just after midnight and suddenly I had a handful of capsules sitting in my palm. There was a careful moment of consideration before I dumped the ones I didn’t need back in the bottle. What I was considering in that moment was how quickly I would leave this earth. It was as if there were a physical devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel on my shoulder reminded me of the consequences of my actions that would result in burning for an eternity. From the outside, people who don’t understand will tell you it’s selfish to think about taking your own life because of what your loved ones have to go through. From my perspective, God is the only one who can ever fully bring you back to the surface. As much as it may hurt my loved ones feelings, I don’t think about how it will affect them because my thought process is usually caused by not feeling loved or cared for despite knowing deep down I am. When it comes to the point where I feel like I cannot take anymore of life and I feel lost, when I question whether it would be better for me to be gone or not, it’s a soul matter. The end result is me having to remind myself that God is the author and finisher of my life. For me to take it into my own hands and attempt to be the finisher when I’m not the author is wrong for one and unrealistic for two.

I remember when I told my parents about what I was thinking and they stayed up all night praying over me while I eventually drifted back off to sleep. And while it may have been their prayers that really helped me to pull through, it’s also me reminding myself that though the journey seems long, there is joy in the process. There will be joy again. There will be light. But you have to hold on and push through every day. Overcome the barriers that attempt to barricade you in.

I’m sharing part of my struggle in hopes of reaching those who may be going through the same thing and need encouragement from somebody who has been through and oftentimes, still goes through it. You are never as alone as you think you are. You have a whole army behind you, even if they’re an army of angels. You are surrounded by grace and you just have to reach in and take some for yourself. Nobody else can do it but you. And you aren’t selfish for feeling the way you do. You are selfless for pulling through and continuing the race for, not anybody else’s, but your God-given life. The world didn’t give you life, God did. Man didn’t, God did.

It isn’t always easy being this transparent. There’s a voice in the back of my head that does worry about what people may think when they read this but I can’t. My purpose in writing this is not for people to look at me differently but to stand as a reminder that we are all human and just because someone looks as if they’re enjoying their life and have all of these wonderful things happening, that doesn’t mean they don’t get depressed and feel as if they have nothing. I’m going to college, writing two books, and working part-time at a magazine yet I’ve sat more often over the past few weeks wondering where I’m truly going and what I’m doing. I still don’t have a car, I can’t afford to move out of the house, I’m single but ready to settle down, and I’m going to be 21 but I’m feeling 31. Life isn’t easy but it does get easier when you have people that understand and relate to what you’re going through.

Okay, well thanks for coming to my Ted talk. I struggle more with writing full-on blog posts over just writing a poem or a short story. But I haven’t been journaling as much either so go figure. It’s harder to fully express when I’m not practicing it. Here I am though. In rawness and transparency. I hope this helps you or whoever you share this with to feel less alone. I’m always here so feel free to message me or email me at honestmaline@gmail.com for any inquiries you may have. Thank you again, for taking my writing and soaking it in.

All of my love x, M.