M. Aline

okay. one of my biggest struggles as a writer has been being able to be completely and fully vulnerable without fear of what other people might think.. but i’m choosing to put that aside for once.

before i continue, i do want to say to my loved ones that i understand your concerns and i appreciate your concerns, but writing is my form of expression, my passion. i, as a writer, should not have to explain why i have written what i have written or why i feel the way i feel. all that should matter is how you interpret it, how it makes you feel. we all go through our own personal battles and how we choose to express those feelings is entirely up to us. but we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves for why we feel this way. we just do. we’re human.

my mind is so conflicted right now, it’s hard to see clearly. i’m tied between my thoughts and emotions, at war with my mind and my heart. shutting down and isolating myself once again. it’s so hard for me to express my feelings, to trust people. i want someone to be there for me, but as soon as somebody is, my anxiety kicks in and i start shutting down. feeling like i’m not good enough, feeling like i’m a bother and this person is just pretending to be there because they feel bad for me. then i’m alone once again. i push people away, that’s what i do. but i think what hurts even more is that they don’t fight it, and that gives me all the more of a reason to believe that it truly was all pretend.

and i know it’s mainly my fault because i give too much. i’m always there for everybody else, listening and giving advice, but when it comes time for someone to be there for me, i don’t let them be there. i’m constantly debating whether or not to call or text and most times if not all times, i end up not doing either and just keeping it all to myself. my excuse is always “that person doesn’t need to hear my problems, they probably have enough going on, they’re probably busy, i don’t want to be a bother”. i’ve received more phone calls at 2 am then i can count, i’ve sat there until 6 or 7 am sometimes just listening and being there for someone. they call me without hesitation, yet i hesitate every single time.

i’m tired of feeling like this. i’m tired of letting my anxiety beat me down. it’s ruining my relationship with not just my loved ones, but with myself.