M. Aline

guys, i’m falling apart. i haven’t written in over 6 months… i have lost my motivation, my inspiration to write something that makes my heart soar. i was gonna try to keep it under wraps until i was certain and had a release date, but i had started writing a book back in late December of 2018. things didn’t go as planned, otherwise i wouldn’t be telling you this. i began writing with the whole book planned out, which wasn’t smart on my part. you see, i can’t write knowing what’s gonna happen. not many writers can, and if you can, then props to you! you’re a trooper. i’ve never been able to do that so i have no clue what made me think i’d be able to this time around, especially with such a project as writing a book. i eventually get bored when i stick to one idea despite the many ideas i have. many times, an idea will pop into my head as i’m writing and i have to go back and completely rewrite something totally different from what i originally wrote. it’s better to freelance and build the plot as you go. it’s more interesting that way. following the unknown. much like life, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. and i want my writings to be as realistic as possible so in order to do that, i can’t plan out my stories. i have to create and build as i go, it opens up the doors for character development as well as story development, it keeps the story interesting.

 

i will eventually publish my own book. when? i’m not sure, but i know i will. let’s just consider this one i was writing as the first try. if i would’ve just allowed my ideas to flow and my mind to create, i’m sure it would’ve ended up slightly better. sadly, if you know me, you know how much of a perfectionist i am so it’s hard for me to ever really be fully satisfied with any work i complete or anything i work on period. regardless of how hard i work on something or how much i accomplish, i will still always feel like it’s never enough. like i could do so much more. i could do so much better. but i still shouldn’t have plotted out the book before i began writing, that was definitely partial on my part and didn’t help my perfectionist of a mind. that was my biggest mistake, but now that i know, when i am ready to finally write a book, i won’t make the same mistake again.

 

i don’t know where i’m going with all this. i started out talking about how i’ve lost motivation and inspiration to write and here i write a whole mighty paragraph about writing a book. my mind is all over the place. i’m sorry. hope i haven’t bored you to death.

 

maybe one day i’ll find myself in a small town nobody knows of, writing for the local town newspaper. or maybe i’ll find myself in a big city crowded with people, writing for the New York Times or Wallstreet Journal or maybe even Vogue or GQ. and i could be totally off. maybe i’ll find myself traveling and being in a new place every few days or weeks maybe even months or years, writing about the local businesses or the townsfolk. writing reviews on popular restaurants and the casual scenic hangout. who knows. all i know is that my world revolves around writing and i couldn’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like without it. at the end of the day, i quite literally choose writing over my own life, and that scares me sometimes. how willing i am to to give up everything i’ve ever known just to pursue my love for writing. it sounds like a long shot, but if i never take the risk, i’ll always wonder what could’ve been. and i don’t want to wonder. i’d rather take the risk and possibly lose everything than to not take the risk and still have nothing. wherever the wind blows me, is where i shall go. whether that’s New Jersey, Utah, Connecticut, New York, Ohio, Massachusetts, etc., i shall go. this could be something that quite literally changes my life forever and i don’t want to miss out on it. i can’t afford to miss out on it.

 

anyways, just a jumble of thoughts going through my head. disregard the messy arrangement of my writing, as per usual.