M. Aline

As I turn 23 in 6 days, I’m reflecting back on this past year and the fact that, even just in a general sense, I haven’t updated YOU in almost a full year. And boy, is there a lot to unpack!

First off, if you don’t remember me, it’s okay. I also forget who I am sometimes. Let me reintroduce myself! Hi 🙂 My name is Mickayla, but I go by M (aka M. Aline). I’ve published two poetry books and just debuted my fantasy novel called The Invisible Space back in November of 2024. This blog has been up and running since I was 13 years old, which OFFICIALLY makes this year my 10 year writing anniversary. Isn’t that insane?!

Anyways. If you’re wondering what all could change in just a year…everything. Anything and everything. The Lord will surprise you. This whole year has been one big surprise to me!

Leaving off where we last chit chatted about my dating life…quite the interesting development occurred. Things have drastically shifted. In the sense that I am officially D-O-N-E with today’s dating culture. Before you say, “you don’t know unless you try!” I did try. I ACTUALLY went on 3 dates at the end of 2024…all of which failed miserably.

The first guy I dated lived in San Antonio and drove 5 hours in one day just for 1 date after a week of us talking. The date went well and our conversations were great…until a few weeks later when he said it would be too much for him to drive up to see me for even just 1 weekend a month. He also, and I quote, said I was “too invested” when HE was the one calling me every day. Someone make that make sense, please!

The next guy I went on 2 dates with and he wasn’t respectful of my beliefs or boundaries. The conversation was not there and the movie he chose was so raunchy that my head was turned 99% of the 2 hours we sat there. I don’t know how or why I even allowed him to kiss me at the end of the 2nd date because truthfully, I knew it wasn’t going any further at that point. For once in my life, I was hoping and praying to God he would just ghost me so I didn’t have to say no to another date. Is that terrible of me?

Then, there was a guy from Missouri I befriended for 6 months but never met. Well, at least in person. We connected over social media and we talked almost everyday until he started challenging my beliefs. Ultimately, we were better off stopping before it got any further. We believed too differently. Even just the 6 months we had spent talking were enough to make me realize the Lord would have to REALLY transform him in order for something to happen. Despite knowing that, we did build a really strong friendship and it broke my heart when I had to draw the line and call it quits.

Which leads me to the one guy that fully opened my eyes and made me realize my bad habits and the pattern I needed to break before it broke me…he was a good friend of mine for 8 years but we always had this weird thing. We went on a few dates, but never talked about them. He dated other girls, I went on other dates, and we couldn’t carry on a normal friendship during those times because we had weird feelings involved. Then, he dated a girl with the same name as me and that weirded me out.

What I came to realize, however, was the fact that we had gotten so comfortable in this back and forth pattern in knowing the other person would still be there no matter who we dated that we never admitted our feelings in all the 8 years we were friends. And the only reason we were still friends was because I was the one always initiating contact. If I didn’t text or call him, he’d write me off the face of the earth. When we talked, he wanted to know what was going on in my life but was never willing to share about his. At the end of the day, I felt like I hardly knew him. That’s not true friendship. So, I gave up the ghost. As soon as I stopped reaching out, all conversation fell. It was as if we never met.

Not too shortly before I stopped reaching out, I decided to start going to therapy. I know a lot of people are probably going to snarl at just the mere fact that I’m even sharing that, as some think it’s still too taboo or not necessary. But I believe strongly that if you’re struggling to get through something alone, it’s better to have reached out than not to. While I am also a firm believer in God being the ultimate physician, He does put certain people in place to help those who are struggling to get to where He needs them to be. I just happen to be one of them!

So, I started therapy and the realization dawned on me that I had that pattern in my relationships that needed to be broken. Parts of me that need to heal before I can truly get to know my husband, whoever he may be, and him get to know me without my constant building of walls. I’ve already healed so much, but now that we’re deep-diving into my past with men, I’m having to heal parts of me I didn’t even know had broken over the years. The biggest part being my ability to trust that I’m enough for a man to want to marry and spend his life with.

On my fingers, I can count 7 guys who have broken my heart in the past 7 years. 7 qualities in me that have been fractured through the brokenness. There are times when I am content in my singleness and knowing that God will send the right man when it’s time, but there are other times (such as now) when I wonder if I’ve already met him and/or how much longer I’ll have to wait before I share my life with him and he shares his with me.

Regardless, I know we’ve both still got some transforming to do before we can be together in any romantically driven capacity. God has reminded me of that significantly over the past few months. I’ve heard His voice more than ever. He has spoken to me so vividly and pointed me to specific scriptures that correlate to my exact situation. If I thought he wasn’t listening to my prayers before, I was wrong. He has been preparing me for as such a time as this and the time that is to come.

One of my major, eye-opening discoveries as of lately has been how my desire for marriage had become such an idol that I was focusing more on the future result of a relationship that isn’t currently present. I was asked by a co-worker recently, “Isn’t the unknown exciting?” I looked at her like she was crazy as I responded, “I guess so…” It hit me moments later that I might’ve taken the whole date-to-marry thing more seriously than it was intended. When you first meet someone and you’re already deciding whether they could be potential without even getting to know them…you’re judging a book based on its cover. You’re only focused on surface-level material, and before you can even get below the surface, you’ve written that person off. That has been my method since I fell in love for the first time five years ago.

Needless to say, I’ve come a long way since. I went from being this girl who looked at marriage as a simple means to get by and not having to be alone, to this woman who looks at marriage as a sanctified union that requires choosing each other every day and growing together. Sharing the ups and downs of life with your best friend. I also don’t just see it as end result anymore. There’s a journey I have to take to get there and I want to enjoy that journey. I want to enjoy every step of getting to know the man God has for me. I want him to feel seen and known and heard. Because he is.

Moving on from that update, my other sister is getting married this year and moving to Japan by the end of it. A lot of big feelings about that. As it gets closer, I’ll definitely be scheduling more therapy sessions to talk it out. The feeling is very bittersweet. I know she’ll be in good hands as she’s marrying a wonderful man who serves in the military, but she’s my best friend and it feels as if pieces of me are drifting with her to another country.

Ultimately, I know I’m going to be okay and God is in control, but that doesn’t mean I’m not slightly anxious with all these changes happening. That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess I’ll try to update you more as it gets closer. Lord knows I’ve been at a loss writing fictionally lately, so I’m resorting back to my roots of what I know works. Maybe it’ll clear my mind more like it used to.