M. Aline

It’s Wednesday, the middle of the week, the last week of August. I sit in a worn down, pukey green chair that reminds me of something my great grandmother would’ve thrifted for her living room. Though, I couldn’t tell you if that’s something she would actually consider or not considering I was only six years old when she passed. My mind is a battlefield. Constantly at war with the complexity of human thoughts and emotions. Those thoughts and emotions being amplified x10 just from the reality of being a woman.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my previous therapy session and I’m conflicted as to whether or not I should schedule it…actually, no I’m not. I KNOW I need to schedule a session because once again, my feelings have grown significantly Bigger Than the Whole Sky by Taylor Swift. With my sister’s wedding in merely 29 days and things in my own life changing drastically-what feels like–on the daily, I’d like to stop adulting and go back to being a kid again.
My previous thinking habits come back to haunt me in sudden circumstances.

Example A being somebody–regardless of whether it’s my friend or my sister–getting married. There is such a bittersweet feeling that arises as well as a depression that drags me down in still not having that myself and wondering when it will be me. Example B being every time I get back into the dating scene and start getting to know another guy. Something that I wish didn’t stick to me but it does is last year when the guy I was dating told me I was too invested in our relationship.

There are a lot of things I have healed from over the years, and some things I’m still healing from. But that was a fresh cut and one that cut me pretty wide. If there is one thing I get the most insecure about when I start to like somebody, it’s whether they reciprocate those feelings. I get in my head an awful lot more now than I used to. Because I used to have so much confidence in thinking a guy had feelings for me to find out they never felt that way and I read into something that wasn’t there.

Now, I feel the need to assume most guys don’t like me until they prove otherwise. But even in that, I can still develop feelings quick when I’m getting to know somebody and we get along well. Because of how guarded I initially am, there aren’t many people I get comfortable with fast. So, if I do get comfortable fast, those feelings develop even quicker. Still, not knowing whether he feels the same gets me in my head. If a man isn’t straightforward with me, I almost always assume he just wants to be friends and doesn’t truly see something moving forward.

What makes it even harder is that I’m not used to healthy communication. And by that, I mean not always having to reach out first to initiate or keep a conversation going. So, now, if I am talking to someone every day and then he’s not responding, I automatically worry I’m being ghosted again by another guy I really like. Then, it becomes a whole cycle again. I’m blaming myself, wondering if I did or said something wrong, assuming he doesn’t like me, that it’s suddenly over and here I am having developed feelings again, etc.

It’s a vicious cycle. One I am trying not to repeat, but am finding myself attempting to shut down and rewire my brain to not instinctively go into that mindset. I am in a better place than I used to be, but I’m not quite where I want to be in this situation. I want to worry less. I want to trust him more and not project previous hurts. Ultimately, I want to believe God has it all in control. But my hands itch to have a grip on it. To know everything. Where this is going. How he’s feeling. I’m so anxiously attached to people I develop close connections with and I hate that.

Part of learning is realizing I have to exercise the parts of my brain that once felt danger and abandonment to feel safe and secure. That regardless of what happens throughout the day, regardless of how many times a week I see someone, regardless of how often we do or don’t talk, that the people who genuinely care will still choose to be there. But they do have their own lives and they have every right to live it just as I live mine. We shouldn’t be so engrained in each other’s lives that we have to be in constant contact or else it isn’t going to work. That’s not how it should be.

Logically, I know these things. I know that just because we go a day without talking doesn’t mean we’re not interested. I can go months without talking to my best friends and still love them just the same. However, it is different when you’re building a relationship. There is only so much time you can spend away from each other, both physically and emotionally, before it starts to strain that relationship. Especially if it’s new. For most people, going a few days is enough. For me, despite my tendency to say “we don’t have to talk every day” and “we’re both busy,” I’ve found that I DO require frequent contact.

When I get used to talking to someone every day and then all of a sudden, it’s like they disappeared off the face of the earth, I am driven back into the danger zone of self-blame and assuming the worst. I can go all day without talking to somebody, but if I don’t hear from them AT ALL, I assume I’m unimportant. That even with their busy schedule, they’d make time for me if they truly cared. Because that’s what I do. I make time for the people I care about. But I also can’t expect everyone to show their care in the same way I do.

We don’t operate the same. Our love languages are different. Where mine might be words of affirmation and quality time, his might be acts of service and physical touch. We have to learn to communicate what we want and need, otherwise lines will get crossed and we will misunderstand one another. The biggest thing we both have to find is what we’re building our foundation on. It’s so easy at the beginning of a relationship to focus so much on getting to know each other that you start developing feelings before confirming what foundation you’re wanting to build upon.

When you build your foundation on Jesus before you start dating, then those feelings can develop on steadier ground. A ground that knows where it’s grounded and rooted, a ground that knows its future and where it’s going. Developing feelings first makes it messier. And I think that’s where my past hurts have crept in is through those cracks in the pavement that weren’t sealed shut. We haven’t cemented anything, therefore, we’re developing feelings on wet concrete. Having those conversations early on about where you stand can prevent the heartbreak if you wait too long and have already developed feelings and memories with that person.

All that to say, I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment and feel as if I should buy one of those “having a meltdown” shirts in the Hannah Montana font. Not like I haven’t spent enough money trying to relieve stress lately. What would another $30 be? Anyways, didn’t mean to go on such a lengthy rant, but I’m sure you’re accustomed to my “big feelings in a little body” by now. And if you’re not…you’ll catch on quick.

Maybe we’ll make this a weekly thing again. Updating you on all the things I wish I could say in person but bottle up because I’m afraid of being a burden. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed as much despite my one year anniversary of going to therapy this next month. You’d think I’d be more rewired by now…unfortunately not. But I also don’t usually date. I haven’t been this close to dating since I was 15. And that feels unhealthy only because unhealthy habits are being reignited due to those past hurts I haven’t fully healed.

Which a lot of that is due to not having shared and expressed those hurts with any men because I haven’t ever truly felt comfortable. This is the first time I’ve wanted to express those, but I’m waiting until the time is right. The waiting is tedious. It feels like my patience is also being extremely tried right now. But I just have to continue pushing through and extending grace and hope despite the triggers that make me feel like an endangered species of whom has no safety net to fall back on. Lord help me. I’m a mess.

Okay, we’ll talk more later. My mind is officially half and half tea. Half emptied and half spilling over. There’s so much I want to say and feel the need to get off my chest at the same time I’d rather not say anything at all. Here’s an overthought: What if he reads this and officially thinks I’m a psycho for thinking and feeling so much? I guess it is what it is. What’s meant to happen will happen regardless.

I need a vacation again. Or in this case, the 10 days I requested off for my sister’s wedding.